Factory Made

Tis’ the season for love and romance — kissing under the mistletoe — wearing matching reindeer dickeys — cozying up by an open fire — cheersing hot cocoa with his & her mugs.

It’s a marshmallow world, made for sweethearts.

Meanwhile, on the island of misfit singles, the holidays involve dining at the kids table, dodging ‘why aren’t you married yet?’ from Aunt Millie and anxiously burying your face into a wheel of cheese during NYE countdown.

If you’re not already on Tinder, the lonely holiday season will fire it up faster than Uncle Lewis’ stogie on the Griswold’s tree.

And while it can be a quick cure for the Christmas blues — I will caution — Tinder is not for the thin-skinned.

The minute you create a profile you’re submitting to a virtual jungle, rife with criticism and superficial judgement. I once had a match tell me that I had the same jawline as Stone Cold Steve Austin. 

But Tinder guys, trust us, the reason for your low match rates aren’t based on looks alone. Chances are you’re making some of these cringeworthy mistakes:                  

1. Elephants & tigers & halibut  – oh my!

You’ve chilled with a tranquilized Siberian tiger,  your arm has served as a tree-branch for a resting falcon and you’ve reeled in a 16 lbs largemouth bass…oddly enough,  9 out of 10 Tinder guys have also captured these exact photos. As bizarre as this sounds, be more original.

2.  Because nothing comforts online dating anxiety like a semi-automatic rifle.  

Ease up, Jeffery Dahmer, you’ll have better luck replacing the pistol with a puppy. 

3. ‘Catch of the day’ AND a gun…NO!

 

4. The height thing.

When your height is listed in your bio, it instantly notifies us that your priorities are physical. You’re 6 ft tall but lacking in depth. Unless you’re seeking a shallow bitch, ditch the measurements.

5. The selfies. 

OK, we’re all guilty of this one…a photographer isn’t always on deck to snap a good hair day. While the odd selfie is warranted, they should be authentic and kept to a minimum. A definite no, is the Zoolander side-glance.

 

6. Helllloooooo, from the other side?!

Aw, is that Shadow returning to Peter in Homeward Bound? If we need a monocle to identify whether you’re a human or a golden retriever, best remove it from the album.

 

7. It’s a dating profile, not a resume.

We’re generally not interested in the name of your grade 5 teacher or your proficiency with Microsoft Office. Keep your bio short and sweet. The tagline, ‘Live, Fart, Laugh’ will win over more right swipes than a Haiku poem.

There’s no question, putting yourself out there takes guts. I hope these suggestions earn you more right swipes so you can land your Cassandra, ‘sha-wing’. Otherwise, stay weird and Godspeed. 

by: Jeni Riddell